I read an online article the other day called “10 Signs You Might Be in the Wrong Relationship.” It listed things like:

• You talk to your dog more than your partner
• You’d rather watch TV than talk to them
• You give them fake smiles
• You daydream about being single
• You hide snacks from them

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with hiding snacks from your partner. Or your kids, or your dogs and coworkers. Not that I’m, you know, writing from personal experience with this particular issue. In the mental health world, we refer to this kind of behavior as “self-care” which sounds a lot like rationalizing but in reality is… rationalizing. But these other signs, yeah, those are signs of potential problems in your relationship.

The article went on to talk about trusting your “gut” and listening to your feelings when they’re telling you that you should consider ending the relationship. And for a couple of days, I just couldn’t shake thinking about the article. The question that kept coming to my mind was, “Does ANYONE ever actually have a relationship where they never feel like they want to break up?”

I could write for hours on end about my concerns with our culture’s over-emphasis on feelings. We’ve even changed the way we talk about everyday things because of it. Instead of saying “I think I should…” we now say, “I feel like I should…” or “I feel like this is a problem for me.” Those aren’t feelings. They’re thoughts and ideas. But we’ve taught ourselves that how we feel about things is paramount; that we should never have to feel bad about something or someone and that changing our lives to make us feel better is always the best course of action.

One of the things I hear from couples all the time in therapy is some version of “I just want to go back to how we felt about each other when we first got married.” My response is always “Why?” I get wanting to re-experience those feelings we had for each other when we first got together. But just like I explain to couples in therapy, the problem with going back to the beginning is this: that road just leads here again. And for you as a couple, here kinda stinks. How about we find a new road with a new goal?

I also tell couples something that inevitably causes some raised eyebrows. What I say is, “There are days I don’t feel like I like my wife very much.” I explain that it’s usually one of those days where we’ve had a disagreement, or one of us is in a bad mood and snaps at the other. Of course, I go on to explain that even on those rare days, I do everything I can to love my wife despite my temporary negative feelings about her. Loving someone is, of course, all about the actions and behaviors we choose, and has nothing to do with how we feel. And the cool part is, I get to pick how to act despite my feelings.

Were I to “trust my gut” and, as the blog suggested, make my relationship decisions based on how I feel from time to time, I’d be single right now. Were my wife to dump me every time she had a negative feeling about something I said or did, we never would have gotten married. Feelings come and go.

“Trust your gut” is just another way of saying “pay attention to your feelings about this.” And we should do that. Our feelings are there for a reason. They help us cope with tough situations. They make happy moments even better. The problem with basing your decisions about the future of your relationship or marriage on your “gut” is that your real gut produces one and only one thing. And that’s the same thing your relationships will be if you follow the advice of trendy blog articles.